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dejavu

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GOOD ONE MAX

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To be a manager

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up". He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee". The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."


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REAL1

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Very good A2 "Me in training for upper management. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day."


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ARCHIVE: CHILL OUT & POST A LAUGH
Pages 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... Last Page


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cracker A2

A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the toilet. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use the toilet!"

"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there -- and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"

"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"

So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the toilet.

After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the toilet, and now the place is hopping again."

"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, a bell behind the bar rings five times. Now, how about a drink?"





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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"

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dejavu

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School 1960 vs. School 2007



Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.


1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.


2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, AVOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.



Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.


1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.



Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.


1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang.  Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.



Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school
.

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.


2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.



Scenario: Vinh fails high school English.


1960 - Vinh goes to Remedial English, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Vinh's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Vinh is given his Y10 anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.


1960 - Ants die.

2007 -  Security and ASIO are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.



Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.


1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in  prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

 


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excellent dejavu

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dejavu

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.  Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
 

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

 
 
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.  He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.  What are you doing?'
 
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)
 
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
 


 
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
 


 
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.
 


 
'I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
 


 
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
 


 
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.
 


 
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
 


 
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
 


 
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
 
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 


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MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think. 


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dejavu

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Reply with quote  #29 
Ring - Ring 

'Hello ?'    







 
 
'Hi honey.
 



 
 
This is Daddy.
 
Is Mommy near the phone?'
 



 
 
'No Daddy.
 
She's upstairs in the bedroom
 
with Uncle Paul.'
 
 
 
After a brief pause,
 



 
 
Daddy says,

'But honey,

you haven't got
an Uncle Paul.'
 
 
 
'Oh yes I do,

and he's upstairs in the room

with Mommy,
right now.'
 
Brief Pause.
 



 
 
'Uh, okay then,
 
this is what I want you to do.
 
Put the phone
 
down on the table,

run upstairs

and knock on the bedroom door

and shout to Mommy

that Daddy's car
just pulled into the driveway.'
 
 
 
'Okay Daddy,
 
just a minute.'
 
 
 
 
 
A few minutes later
 
the little girl comes back to the phone.
 



 
 
 
 
'I did it Daddy.'
 
   
 
'And what happened honey?'
 
 
 
'Well, Mommy got all scared,
 
jumped out of bed
 
with no clothes on
 
and ran around screaming.
 
 
 
 
 
Then she tripped over the rug,
 
hit her head on the dresser
 
and now she isn't moving at all!'
 
 
 
 
 
'Oh my God!!!
 
What about your Uncle Paul?'
 
 
 
 
 
'He jumped out of the bed
 
with no clothes on, too.
 
He was all scared
 
and he jumped out of the back window
 
and into the swimming pool.
 
But I guess he didn't know
 
that you took out the water

last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool
 
and I think he's dead.'
 
***Long Pause***
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
***Longer Pause***
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
***Even Longer Pause***
 
Then Daddy says,
 
       'Swimming pool?
 
 
 
 
 
Is this
 
486-5731?'


  



 

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REAL1

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Reply with quote  #30 
Is this
 
486-5731?'
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone - "Get me a coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

"No," replied the trainee.
"It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"

The trainee shouts back, "And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!"
"No." replied the CEO indignantly.

"Good!" replied the trainee, and puts down the phone.


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