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Six Classic Affairs
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
”Where have you been?” his wife demanded.
”I can’t lie to you,” he replied, “I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.”
”You lying b* stard!
You’ve been playing golf!”
 
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife, “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, “Not this time!”
 
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
”I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
”I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
”My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead?!?!”
 
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
”Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.”
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
”Don’t move until I tell you,” she said. “Pretend you’re a statue.”
”What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
”Oh it’s a statue.” she replied. “The Smith’s bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too.”
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
”Here,” he said to the statue, “have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith’s and nobody offered me a damned thing.”
 
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
”Certainly, Sir, that’ll be 1p.”
”1p?” the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”
”10p” the barman replied.
”10p?” exclaimed the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”
The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The bartender replied, ”The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”
 
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, “I have something I must confess.”
”There’s no need to,” his wife replied.
”No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!”
”I know, I know,” she replied. “Now just rest and let the poison work.”   
madmax

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Reply with quote  #33 
Best of the bunch I think
 
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
”I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,” the mortician commented, “I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.”
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
”I have to show you something you won’t believe,” he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
”My God!” the wife exclaimed, “Schwartz is dead?!?!”

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Reply with quote  #34 

I totally agree

madmax

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Reply with quote  #35 

At the Nursing Home a man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."


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Reply with quote  #36 

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Reply with quote  #37 
A Jazz Chord
 
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit
pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again.
"No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly p’d off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability
Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike... and starts to sing ......"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."


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Reply with quote  #38 
A man walks into a bar...
 
A man walks into a bar and goes to the bar and asks for a pint.
The bar tender returns with the pint and a free bowl of nuts.
The man sits down, drinks his pint when suddenly the bowl of nuts starts saying "Ooo I think your gorgeous, your the best looking guy in the bar"
The man looks down, bemused, and reaches to his pocket for a cigarette. Realising he doesn’t have any, he gets up and walks over to the cigarette machine, puts in his money and hears "Your a fucking wanker with a big fat nose!!"
Feeling slightly pissed off, the man goes up to the bar tender and tells him what’s just happened.
The bar tender replies "Well the peanuts are complimentary, but the fag machine is out of order" 


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Reply with quote  #39 
Bins
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house Where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the chappy.
Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman
'I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... where's your Wheelie Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , says the Japanese bloke, "I wheelie bin having a wank"        


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Reply with quote  #40 

Boob sizes and there explanations
 
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G! , and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

A -Almost Boobs
B -Barely there
C -Can see something
D -Damn good
DD -Double Delights
E -Enormous!
F -Fake but who cares
FF -Fucking Fantastic
G -Get a Reduction.
H -Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
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Reply with quote  #41 

Bins
A dustman is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his dustcart lorry. He gets to one house Where the bin hasn't been left out so he has a quick look for it, goes round the back but still can't see it so he knocks on the door. There's no answer so he knocks again.
Eventually a Japanese bloke answers... "Harro", says the chappy.
Alright mate, where's your bin?" asks the dustman
'I bin on toilet" replies the Japanese bloke, looking perplexed.
Realising the Japanese fellow has misunderstood, the binman smiles and says "No mate, where's ya dust bin?"
"I dust bin on toilet I told you" says the Japanese man
"Mate" says the dustman... "you're misunderstanding me... where's your Wheelie Bin?"
"OK" "OK" , says the Japanese bloke, "I wheelie bin having a wank"        

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Reply with quote  #42 
Sex for Lent
 
As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.
Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult.
Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.
The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.
Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door. “KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!”
Husband: “Guess who?”
Wife: “I know who it is!”
Husband:”Guess what I want?”
Wife: “I know what you want!”
Husband: “Guess what I’m knockin’ with?”
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Reply with quote  #43 

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."


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Reply with quote  #44 



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