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hammer6

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Reply with quote  #76 
A duck hunter is out one day having no luck. He hunts the whole morning and couldn't get a single kill. On the way home he comes up to a farm house and flying over the barnyard is a big flock of fat mallards.

Seeing his last chance for success, he takes aim at what looked like the biggest duck in the flock and gave it both barrels. The duck fell from the sky and landed in the middle of a barnyard.

As the hunter nears the barnyard and the dead duck, he sees he's got himself a beauty. But when he is a mere 20 paces from the duck, a farmer steps out of the barn, picks up the duck and heads for the house.

"Hey!" said the hunter, "Come back with my duck!"

"Your duck?" says the farmer, "It was lying dead in my barnyard; it's MY duck."

"No! No! You don't understand!, shouts the hunter, "I shot it and it just happened to fall here. It's mine!"

"Okay, city fella. We'll settle this the country way," says the farmer.

"Country way? What's that?" says the hunter.

"We take turns hitting each other as hard as we can," says the farmer. "Last man standing wins the duck.... That is, unless you're Yella."

"Of course I'm not yellow," says the hunter.

"Fine. Country way it is," says the farmer. "Since we're on my property, I'll go first."

With that, the farmer takes a half step back, steadies himself, and kicks the hunter square in the groin as hard as he can. The hunter gasps, screams like an animal, falls on the ground, curls up in a knot, turns 3 shades of purple, and nearly pass out.

After a full half hour and with considerable difficulty, the hunter straightens up, gasps again, and in a high strained voice says, "Now... my... turn!

The farmer reply: "Nah, I give up. Here's your duck."


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Reply with quote  #77 

cracker!

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Reply with quote  #78 

A construction site boss was interviewing men for a job, when along came Smith.

The boss took an instant dislike to him and thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy bum!"

So he decides to set a test for Smith, hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions, and the boos would be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

So Smith says, "Dat's easy," and proceeds to draw three tall, leafy trees.

The boss says, "What the hell's that?" Smith says, "Tree 'n tree n' tree makes nine." Fair enough, says the boss.

Second question, same rules, but represent 99. Smith stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere ya go sir," he says.

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Smith says, "Each tree's dirty now! So it's dirty tree, n' dirty tree n' dirty tree, dats 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to actually hire Smith, so he decides to up the ante. "Alright, question three. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

Smith stares into space again, then he shouts, "Got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Dere ya go sir, 100."

The boss looks at Smith' attempt and thinks 'Ha! got him this time.' Go on Smith, you must be mad if you think that represents a hundred."

Smith leans forward and points to the marks at the tree bases, and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, see? So now ya gots dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, an' dirty tree an' a turd, which makes one hunnerd. When do I start me job?"


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Reply with quote  #79 

good yin oldbill

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Reply with quote  #80 
Jack and Bob decide to go hill-walking one weekend. 
They load up Jack's minivan and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farm and ask the attractive lady who answers the door if they can spend the night there.
"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explains. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack replied. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and, as promised, they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of walking in the hills.

Some nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was about the attractive widow they had met on the winter walking weekend.

He phoned his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our walking weekend in Scotland?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"

There was silence on the line for a moment or two then Bob said, "Yeah, sorry pal. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything!"


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Reply with quote  #81 

There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!


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Reply with quote  #82 

hammer6

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Reply with quote  #83 

A traffic cop flagged down a motorist and said, 'I'm arresting you for going through three red lights.'

'Yeah, well, I'm colour blind,' said the motorist.

'In addition to that, you were exceeding the speed limit,' said the policeman.
 
'So what?' said the motorist.

'And on top of all that you were going the wrong way down a one-way street,' added the officer.
 
'I always did have a lousy sense of direction,' said the motorist with a smile.

At that point, his wife leaned forward from the ,back seat and said, 'Don't pay any attention to him, officer. He always talks like this when he's had a few drinks.'


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hammer6

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Reply with quote  #84 
One day, three friends go hunting. Only one is very good, so the second two plan to watch him.
 
They arrive at the hunting cabin, and get all set up. The next day, the first hunter goes out. He returns with a big deer.
 
The second two guys ask him how he did that. They can't believe how big the deer is. "It was easy. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM shot the deer."
 
The next day, the second hunter goes out, and comes back with an even bigger deer. The third guy's eyes bug out when he sees it, and he asks him how he did it. "Same thing the first guy did. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM shot the deer."
 
So on the third day, the last guy goes out to hunt. He doesn't come back for a very long time. When he staggers into the cabin, rifle gone, all beat up and bruised, with only one boot, the other two are very surprised. They ask him what happened.
 
"Well...I found the tracks, followed the tracks...BAM got run over by a train."

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Reply with quote  #85 

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a Traffic cop. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies are terrible," the cop complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Those are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's ass," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would you?" The cop angrily asked.

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies.


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hammer6

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Reply with quote  #86 

:-)


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hammer6

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Reply with quote  #88 

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ''Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, ''Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ''If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the far horizon. The crew stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply.

Captain Bravo calmly shouted, ''Get me my brown pants.''


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Tango

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Reply with quote  #89 

check dis 1  http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=28799328


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Reply with quote  #90 

Taking about having a big mooth  nice one Tango


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